Me Versus I

A song I wrote about dealing with my gender dysphoria

Stay beautiful


2015 Recap

2015 is drawing to a close. I’m assuming like most people around this time, you just can’t help but reminisce about the past 12 months. It’s all I’ve done for these last few weeks really.
When I look back at what has happened throughout the year it would be expected that I write the stereotypical ‘This year sucked. Can’t wait for it to be over.’

I’ve been abused, manipulated, broken, judged and abandoned. I’ve made regrettable decisions to the point that I could have been in some serious danger. I’ve had more nervous breakdowns than there are days in the year. I relapsed into an eating disorder I worked so hard to overcome. My depression escalated and I considered taking my life on a number of occasions. This year has been the loneliest I have ever felt.

Even though so much has gone wrong, so much has been lost; I wouldn’t change any of it. All the shit, the pain and the crippling despair has been worth it. I’m more open now than I ever have been. I’ve tried things that I never would have. I’ve met some amazing people who have done more for me than they know. I’ve finally accepted the fact that I don’t have to adhere to other’s needs to make them happy whilst simultaneously making myself miserable.

I am still an awkward person who hates their own body; who still occasionally lets fear and their lack of confidence put up a brick wall between myself and my goal. That’s just me. I would love to take more risks. I wish I could tell someone how I feel about them without worrying so much about the possible/likely rejection. There are opportunities I want to take yet I’m still holding back on. That’s fine. If there is one thing I’ve learned from this year is that I’ll get there. Eventually. Hopefully.

Stay beautiful

Singing a song

I’ve been in a very depressed and anxious state for the past month. For various reasons. To distract myself or even overcome it I’ve been wanting to create and film so many things, but I’ve just lacked the motivation to do so. I even considered making something about depression but even that proved difficult. The one thing that I just couldn’t lose interest in was music.

Around about this time last year, I was working a dead-end job that was sucking the life out of me. I fell into a routine of waking up, going to work, come home, sleep repeat. It was torturous. Whilst sitting at my desk one day a melody popped into my head, and I began to write almost immediately. Then when I got home that day I went straight to my guitar and put it all together. Since then though I never did anything with it. I always wanted to but I was always too anxious – pretty meta when the song is about anxiety. That isĀ until today. It has been a very tough month for me this August, and today has been a very odd day shall we say. And from that I felt the only thing that is really going to make me feel like there is any hope left is finally getting this song out there.

Now I know it’s not amazingly written or sang perfectly, hell I doubt many people are going to enjoy it. But I’m not about that. I wanted to feel the sense of accomplishment again in the hopes it’ll kick start the motivation. And I think it’s fair to say that I’ve achieved that.

Stay beautiful